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Hey, Friend!
Thank you so much for joining me for another edition of Tarabytes! You have no idea what it means to me that you invite me into your inbox each month. I’m only 3 months in and this e-zine has already started to feel like my digital diary. I’m sharing waaaay more than I even thought I would, but it feels good to share. It feels right. My husband (Hey Baby!) even mentioned how he feels like he is learning new things about me from reading along.
It’s not been a full month since you last heard from me (I was late releasing Edition #2, damn you holiday chaos), but I feel like so much has happened since we last connected.
A lot of my time this month has been spent trying to understand. Trying to understand me. Trying to understand the actions of others. Trying to understand what is going on in my country.
The past month has been stressful for me. Besides the obvious political tensions, I’ve spent time in several different doctor’s offices, working through health issues from the past that just seem to keep resurfacing. We’ve determined that a lot of my physical health problems are anxiety-related.
I mentioned last month that I’ve been seeing a therapist. What I didn’t mention, was that it took her all of an hour to diagnose me with anxiety and depression. I don’t want to go into that too much, yet at least, but coming to terms with that fact has been enlightening and humbling.
In dealing with my health, a lot of other stuff has sort of fallen by the wayside. Besides working on this e-zine, which is therapeutic in its own way, I’ve been taking some time away from work, to recuperate a bit. I wasn’t able to attend the Women’s March held near me, but I’ve been doing my best to show solidarity in other ways. I’ve been doing lots of reading. I’m trying to stay informed and just generally trying to digest as much info as possible.
One topic that keeps coming up over and over again for me, is empathy. I think a lack of empathy is one of societies’ greatest problems. It’s started to seem that at the root of every news story I’m hearing, people are failing to empathize with one another. It seems we’ve forgotten our humanity. Life is busy and stressful and distracting so it’s easy to tune each other out. But then we wonder why things are falling apart around us. We were made to empathize. Empathy is built right into our cells.
It turns out that we have what scientists call “mirror neurons”, that fire when we act and when we see someone else perform the same action (links below!). Basically, they “mirror” the behaviors of others, and can make us experience the behavior as if we were experiencing it ourselves. This is how we gain information to understand others’ emotions and create deeper connections. Feeling strong emotions and then recognizing similar emotions in others gives us a sense that we are all connected. For this reason, neurophysiologist Vittorio Gallese calls empathy “social glue”. We are literally built to recognize the humanity in each other!
Even though we all have an innate capacity for empathy, it’s something that can be grown and improved with practice. This requires the sometimes difficult task of creating real emotional connections with others, and the even more difficult task of getting in touch with our own emotions (scary!). Analyzing our own experiences informs the empathy we feel for others.
This was made obvious to me when I watched Monica Lewinsky’s TED Talk in early 2015 (links below). Just hearing her name brings up certain connotations. Tramp. Bimbo. Home-wrecker. To be fair, I was in middle school during the scandal, so I was not that familiar with many of the actual details and was heavily influenced by the media’s interpretation of the events. But I knew that Monica was “that woman”. She was a joke. In her talk, she spoke about the scandal from her perspective. A young, naive intern who fell in love with her boss and was then thrust into the media spotlight at just such a time in history that she was basically the first person to be widely “internet shamed”. When I first came across her talk, I was just a few years older than Monica was during the scandal. While listening, I could understand her feelings of being wrapped up in a whirlwind romance with an older man. I could relate to the feeling of loving someone so much you would do ridiculous things for them. I could relate to not having my shit together at 22. I felt like I might have acted similarly if it had been me in that situation. I thought about how I might feel if it was me being globally shamed. Would I have been able to come out the other side the way she did? I felt like I understood Monica Lewinsky in a whole new way. She’s not a joke. She’s strong as hell. All it took for me to realize this, was to recognize that she was a human being and might have actual feelings about some of the stuff (horrible, disgusting stuff) people have said about her. Mind-blowing, I know. It’s easier to feel empathy when we feel like “that could be me”. What I think we need to realize is that, on the most basic level, we are all the same. We all want and need the same things to survive. "That woman” could be any of us. I think the key to growing empathy is gaining new perspectives. If we’re willing to do that, we open ourselves up to the possibility of experiencing profound empathetic moments that can change us forever.
I also realize just how difficult empathy can be. Empathy takes nerve (pun intended!).
Connection requires vulnerability, and vulnerability is hard for most of us. It takes a lot of emotional energy. Feeling and recognizing emotions is something we often try to avoid in our society. But it’s a necessary part of empathy because before you can relate to someone else’s feelings, you need to recognize and understand your own. It’s brave to realize that your perspective alone is not enough and to consciously seek out new perspectives. I think it’s particularly brave when you’re seeking out the perspectives of those who you “disagree” with. It can take work to find common ground, but it is there, and once you find it, it’s possible for both sides to get a better understanding of the needs of the other. This can hopefully inspire solutions and move people to action.
This is something I’ve been trying to practice in the past few months. It’s very easy for me to get caught up in being angry about certain social issues and spiral into thinking the absolute worst of anyone who disagrees with me. I’ve been trying to catch myself in those moments and really try to put myself in their shoes. How might their particular circumstances inform how they see the issue? Sometimes it’s harder than others. Sometimes it doesn’t work at all #realtalk. I do keep trying, though.
So even though the impulse toward empathy is innate, empathy can definitely be boosted. If you’re interested in increasing your empathic abilities, here are some things to think about and try.
- Be curious about people. Talk to them. Read about their experiences. Especially people outside your usual groups. The more real people you can connect with, even if it’s just through hearing their stories, the more perspectives, or "sides of the story” you’ll see.
- Pay attention to your own feelings. When you are connecting with people, what emotions are you feeling? Our emotions are, in part, a reflection of what others are feeling. Being aware of our own emotions helps us empathize with others.
- Examine your biases. Think about ways in which preconceived notions or stereotypes might be affecting your outlook. Search for the commonalities between yourself and others,
Pay particular attention to the people you think you have the least in common with. You might have more in common than you think.
- Practice empathy toward yourself. We know how hard empathy can be, so practice it toward yourself as well as others.
This is something else I’ve been trying to remember. I mentioned above that wasn’t able to make it to the Women’s March in Orlando. Well, to be perfectly honest, even though I wanted desperately to be there, I just knew with the anxiety I’ve been working through lately, it would not be a good idea. And I’m disappointed. Like really disappointed. I’m trying to practice empathy for myself in those moments where I tell myself I’m weak for not having just pushed through the discomfort.
Well now that I’ve completely over-shared again, I should probably wrap this up.
My intention in sharing my thoughts on empathy is to encourage others to flex their empathy muscles. I think we all, every single one of us, could use a reminder. I also think it’s important to acknowledge that empathy is not easy, but that every time we make the effort we are one step closer to being a more unified society. Which is what all of us really want at the end of the day, right?
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my ramblings! It means so much to me to know that someone cares about what I have to say. And I definitely care what you have to say! So please, please, please, if you feel moved by anything you've seen in this email, let me know! Part of that whole creating and nurturing connections thing, you know?
If you missed either of the last two editions of Tarabytes and want to catch up, you can do that at the links below.
If you like anything you’ve seen here and want to see more from me, check out my website! And if you really want to help a sister out, pretty please share this email with a friend! Preferably a friend who loves sparkles and hates injustice.
Thank you again and have a beautiful February!
Tara
http://www.eastbaytimes.com/2005/01/18/empathy-may-be-social-glue-for-humankind-2/
https://www.ted.com/talks/monica_lewinsky_the_price_of_shame
http://www.tarabledesigns.com/tarabytes/2016/12/1/d1xez16ynpbtgx6r1gj3fezhvpne6s
http://www.tarabledesigns.com/tarabytes/2017/1/9/tarabytes-e-zine-2nd-edition
